As porn in relationships is a big issue in the news this month as boffins declare that is damaging and unhealthy, I thought I’d share a true story that will hopefully make some women realise they do have a choice.
‘With very liberal parents I was always lead to believe that porn was healthy in a relationship. However, my parents would talk about using it together rather than each of them alone. They used it as a tool to keep the romance alive in their relationship and it worked. After 30 years together they’d still hold hands in the street and be obviously in love.
So when I began a long relationship with a man addicted to porn I thought there was something wrong with me for not simply accepting it. When we moved in together he brought binbags full of magazines and boxes full of videos (showing my age now) and I simply smiled and said ‘welcome home”.
Inside I was screaming, ‘Why aren’t I enough, why do you prefer that to me” and all manner of questions.
He would get up while I slept simply to watch porn alone. Early one morning I awoke to him still in bed. I initiated sex but he told me he’d be late for work. Ten minutes later I got up to use the bathroom and found him pleasuring himself in front of the TV. That’s when I called it quits.
Remarkably, one day I bought Playgirl and For Women to see how he liked it. His reaction was quite shocking – the magazines mysteriously disappeared in hours!
Don’t get me wrong, I knew he was doing this a lot, but to choose it over me was the final straw. I gave him an ultimatum, porn or me. He chose porn. I bumped into him only 2 years ago. He was wearing a purple shirt I’d bought him in the 90’s. His parents whispered to me that breaking up with me was the worst mistake he ever made. I didn’t hang about, just breathed a sigh of relief I’d got out.
Then I got married, the porn situation arose again, however this time with a different spin. He declared he didn’t need porn as I was enough but in reality behind my back he watched tonnes, hid dirty magazines under the floorboards and would still expect sex twice a day. Every time I found out, he told me he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him but as this was the time when the internet was taking off, the internet was just too much of a temptation. This was the same man that would fly into a jealous rage if I let my eyes rest too long on a six pack on TV, or if I agreed with a friend that Joe Blogs was attractive. This wasn’t the reason we divorced, his violence, alcoholism and multiple affairs saw to that, but I did spend the whole marriage feeling slightly inadequate and more than a little disrespected.
I knew that to have another relationship I’d have to finally accept porn as a part of life. I’d have to learn to live with that bitterness, jealousy and feeling of total betrayal. It was this, along with a lack of trust, which prompted me to stay single for a good three years. I just never found myself ready for that rollercoaster of emotions again, but all that was about to change.
Sleep specialist
Using the acquired academic and professional experience, I advise patients with various complaints about mental health - depressed mood, nervousness, lack of energy and interest, sleep disorders, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts and anxieties, difficulty concentrating, and stress. In my free time, I love to paint and go on long walks on the beach. One of my latest obsessions is sudoku – a wonderful activity to calm an unease mind.
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