Most people would say that there’s no such thing as a clean breakup, with nasty words and emotional turmoil usually a given. Rational, well-justified scenarios in which both parties supposedly agree to the split are a rarity, and even then there’s a lingering sense of loss and resentment toward the ex. Is it possible to have a ‘good” breakup? Many would say that such a thing is impossible, but we look at a simple truth behind breakups and how the hurt can be minimized.
The worst part of a breakup is not that you lose a partner, lose a friend or simply end a good thing. At the end of the day, the worst thing about a breakup is how it undermines your self-confidence. To be in a loving, passionate relationship is a fantastic ego boost, but when it comes to an end, that boost is not only destroyed, but your existing confidence is often weakened as a result. This is usually thanks to the inevitable hurtful words which are flung around as things start to fall apart.
Since relationships involve the intertwining of emotions as well as bodies, the very lives of two people have to be completely reimaged as individuals again. The immediate urge is self-preservation, and that means that you try to cut yourself off from (and guard against) the very thing which you were so connected with: your partner.
This instinctive urge to protect yourself leads to the impulse to hurt the other person emotionally. We all know that sticks and stones can break your bones, but words are there to harm us. To make things worse, it’s completely natural to confides in one’s lover during the course of the relationship, giving them all the weapons they need to strike at the most vulnerable parts of your ego. This doesn’t mean that you should guard your heart obsessively and lead a loveless existence: the burden lies with your partner to be mature about it, and to not to strike at these weak points if a breakup happens.
Whilst the severity of breakups varies, the one common denominator is the tendency to view your ex as being the one to blame. ‘She was crazy”, or ‘he was emotionally immature”: phrases like these are bandied about without thought for what they imply. They’re intended to deflect blame and, if possible, make the other person feel a little bad.
It’s true that to blame the character of your ex for your emotional heartache is inappropriate, as is their clawing at your emotional weak points to feel better about themselves. Sometimes, though, it’s just a little bit of extra ego-boosting that you need to make it through the breakup and come out the other side a-ok.
Whilst the end of a relationship is a horrible time and full of sorrow, it needn’t be hurtful if both parties can find it in themselves to hold back on the public comments and agree to disagree without hurting, rather than cut the ties so forcefully with verbal sticks and stones.
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