There are a whole host of relationship and sex advice gurus on the internet, some with qualifications in psychology and others that bleat to an audience of millions on a daily basis, such as Dear Deidre, however sometimes even these give the most horrific advice leaving us wondering where we’re going wrong.
No.1 Mutual Masturbation is Ugly
One recognised guru recently gave this advice leading all readers to think that when they aroused themselves in front of a man the man found it revolting. Yet a woman masturbating is high up on the list of most viewed porn movies and set firmly in many men’s minds, it also turns a woman on to see a man pleasuring himself over her body so I’ve no idea how awful this advice guru’s genitals look!!
No.2 Put Marbles in the Fridge and Throw Them on the Bed before Riding Him
This actually came from a celebrated contemporary woman’s magazine. To me it sounds like utter torture. Men have bones in their backs and if they’re not already uncomfortable with the ice cold glass imagine how they’d feel as the hard marble sticks into their spine as your thrusts cause the intense pain? No thanks.
No.3 Pinch your Kids Toys and Use Them to Play Adult Versions
Not only is sex the one time we don’t want to think about our precious little people, this is just plain wrong. There are countless ex toys and games out there for adults, why would we want to pinch baby Annabel or Hungry Hippos to get off?
No.4 Make a Bedroom Burrito! While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms. Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin.
This may be fun for some but not for me. I don’t mind being tied up at all, but being put in a strait jacket like contraption would drive me insane. Not least because of the impromptu nature of it but also due to how uncomfortable it’s bound to be and exactly what exposed skin will there be when an average sized woman is covered in a King Size sheet?
No.5 Put Chilli Sauce all over his Manhood to add an Extra Tingle
Anyone that’s every chopped a chilli then wiped touched their genitals will know why this is such a bad idea. Even those that haven’t experienced this pain will know how debilitating it is when some gets in your eye. Now imagine this under the foreskin and travelling down the urethra or urinary tract? If I did this to my partner I’d completely understand if he got me back by sharing the tingly magic!
No.6 Massage his Back with a Rolling Pin
There’s a reason why massagers have a little give and are usually only six inches long, the spine is not made for massage. Kneading a spine like a piece of dough can cause untold damage and this advice can actually be quite dangerous. Bones are not as soft as uncooked pastry, thank goodness!
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