Terrible Sex Advice

Terrible Sex Advice

I think it’s safe to assume that we all want to have great sex, and having great sex means keeping it fresh in the bedroom right? Right. The love advice column of our average gossip mag or scandal website usually has some pearls of wisdom on that topic, but lusty swine that we are, it’s worth pausing to evaluate just how good an idea what we’re reading actually is. Because whilst one can pick up some exciting tips from sex column trawling (I’d never have thought of ice-kissing nor breath play otherwise), there are plenty of truly bad sex ideas out there too. Here’s a list of some especially ridiculous pieces of sex advice I’ve encountered.

When giving head, tie your hair back with your thong: This isn’t even vaguely sexy. If anything it’s mildly gross. That’s been between my buttocks all day; I don’t particularly want it in my hair thanks.

Before giving head, take a sip of really hot water and hold it in your mouth: Aside from the obvious risk of scalding his shaft and your tongue, isn’t your mouth hot enough as it is?

Whilst giving head, hold an ice cube in your mouth and run it along his shaft: From hot to freezing cold. Your teeth are likely to start aching and his manhood will shrivel in fear from your icy ministrations. Just a bad idea.

Massage his back with a rolling pin: The idea here is that those stubborn knots in the male back will respond well to some serious pressure. Reality check, you’re more likely to bruise your man than give him a satisfying massage.

Bind her torso with blankets so she can’t move, then kiss every exposed inch of her body: Seriously? If you’re into bondage there’s more effective (and sexier) ways of accomplishing the same thing. If you’re not, then being unexpectedly tied up in your own bed sheets is rather creepy.

Slip a ring donut over his manhood then nibble it off: Again! Not everyone has a food fetish! Whilst some folks think custard is a good addition to any sexcapade, not everyone wants confectionary anywhere near their genitals.

In a dark room, use a flashlight to shine where you want him to lick or caress you: A nice idea but stupid in practice. You’ll have to pause your pleasure every few minutes to laboriously redirect his attention with the light, often twisting yourself into odd positions to do so. Easier to just point and moan suggestively.

Dip into your kid’s toy chest when they’re not at home and play strip versions of their games: Does this really need an explanation? It’s more than a little creepy for one thing, plus you’re an adult couple. You should be able to afford your own toys.

And my personal favourite.

Chill a bag of marbles and toss them on the bed before sex: Just, ouch. This is more like bedroom torture than eroticism.

Nutritionist. Bluffton University, MS

In today's world, people's eating and exercise patterns have changed, and it is often lifestyle that is the cause of many diet-related illnesses. I believe that each of us is unique – what works for one does not help another. What is more, it can even be harmful. I am interested in food psychology, which studies a person's relationship with their body and food, explains our choices and desires for specific products, the difficulty of maintaining optimal body weight, as well as the influence of various internal and external factors on appetite. I'm also an avid vintage car collector, and currently, I'm working on my 1993 W124 Mercedes. You may have stumbled upon articles I have been featured in, for example, in Cosmopolitan, Elle, Grazia, Women's Health, The Guardian, and others.

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